The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
by John Gottman, Ph.D.

"The determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with sex, romance and passion in their marriage is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple's friendship. For men, the determining factor is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple's friendship. So men and women come from the same planet after all."

Dr. John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, redefines the entire process of marriage counseling. His major treatise is that marital therapy fails because of the therapists over emphasis on conflict resolution as its primary objective. Instead he refocuses couples on reestablishing what he calls a "Sound Marital House."

Dr. Gottman's book is a basic rewrite of a text book he also produced in 1999, The Marriage Clinic, which unfortunately is presently out of print. Both these two books reflect 15 years of research done with couples by John Gottman and his associates at the University of Washington. Interestingly, his research approach serves both as a blessing and a curse.

After my statistics classes in graduate school I never thought I would say it, but Dr. Gottman's data actually clarifies the issues that produce a successful marriage or doom it to failure. He identifies that 70% of the conflicts couples have today will be what are fought about tomorrow, and next year. The defining mark for a happy and stable marriage is directed toward how couples respond to each others' bids for attention. In a good relationship, 91% of the time, the overtures couples made toward one another are met enthusiastically. From these kinds of finds John Gottman suggests a new reorientation for therapy.

The major problem I have with his works is that his books come across as, "John Gottman's Greatest Research." Dozens of studies are strung together without a comprehensive understanding of what is being revealed. He is not able to see the forest through the trees. He lacks a strong theoretical understanding, and therefore his books sound like he is boasting about what his research has found, but offers no clear overview of why couples respond the way they do.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work reads like a cook book. You are given a long list of ingredients, and if you mix them together in the right proportions you will produce a happy marriage. "Start up slowly, accept the influence of your partner, create a love map," these are all in themselves useful ideas, however he has trouble creating cohesion to his collection of dozens of studies. What does learning to "turn toward" your partner have to do with physiological soothing? Other than they are parts of his formula for a good marriage. What he is describing, but doesn't understand, is love.
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As I am sure you heard me share before, love and attention are intuitively perceived as the same. When someone brings full attention to his/her partner it is felt as caring or love. Accepting influence, learning to turn toward our partner, and practicing self-soothing techniques are all ways to teach couples to shift their attention from themselves to their partner. Disjointed as his ideas may be, John Gottman has used his research studies to begin to describe how couples can begin to practice love by mutually sharing attention.

Despite this, I would have to rate his two most recent books, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and The Marriage Clinic, as a must read.